Why I write wrong

Seeing as I have nothing to do, I didn’t know what to do, esp I was stumped as to what I should blog about (okay, I seriously don’t want my English teacher to ever look at that sentence). Now, after seeing two wiggly red lines under “esp” and “blog” I guess spell and grammar check in MS word will do okay for this post.

I use grammar and spell check for everything ’cause my basics suck and I don’t read the oxford dictionary or the wren and martin for a hobby. So, yeah, if I want people to understand even an iota of whatever I am trying to say, I should use spell and grammar check. In truth, I just like to see something trying to understand and fix my grammar.

But back to grammar check (GC) and spell check (SC). About that wiggly red line (green line’s for grammar and red line’s for spell check) under esp, SC suggests that I change it to “esp.” fair enough. Even after I change it as SC suggests there is still a red line. SC disagrees with its own suggestion? Whatever. But now it suggests that I change it to “ESP”. As much as I have respect for SC, when I use “esp” I mean “especially” and not “extra sensory perception” as using “ESP” would mean. Christ. There’s a big green line under the entire previous sentence. What’s wrong? SC’s (the line’s green) advice is that I consider revising. It can’t tell me what’s wrong but it just tells me to revise. How can I reconsider something that I think is right anyway? Seems GC is stumped by my grammar and spelling (why am I not surprised?). By the way, there’s a line under wiggly itself. Suggestion: that I change it to wiggle. Whatever.

“If you are so smart” I mutter to GC and I type in a well-known quote from Shakespeare: Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. Oh dear. GC suggests that I turn “countrymen” to “fellow citizens”. Friends, Romans, fellow citizens, lend me your ears? What an unkind cut! Maybe I’ve been a little unfair. Shakespeare was after all a poet. I try a line of prose:

Sorrow came- a gentle sorrow- but not at all in the shape of any disagreeable consciousness.

Problem again: wiggle line under “came”. Verb confusion (no suggestions) says grammar check. “You’re the one who’s confused”, I type.

“Jane Austen was the most clear headed of writers and she never needed no grammar check or Microsoft word. (Know something? GC never spotted my double negative). But spell check wants me to change “Austen” to “Austin.” Really man, that’s smart.

But, sorry…. if grammar is a tricky thing, then digital grammar check is a downright booby trap. Still, GC must be at the very early stage of its evolution. Something like jellyfish on the scale of living things. (“likes jellyfish” GC insists.)

Nevertheless- although I must keep using GC and SC if I ever want people to understand me- I figured that I can always switch off grammar check if it pisses me off too much with red and green lines all over the place. Even better, throw it out the Windows.

P.S: I used MS word 2000 for this post. Figured that I could poke more fun if I used word 2000 instead of word 2003.