At Crossroads

Now that the public exam results are out, the tedious process of filling applications and trying to get into a good college is in. shouldn't be difficult. my cut-off is o-kay. the problem is my cut-off for medical is much much much better than the engineering thingy and i have no doubt that i will get into a good medical college if i apply. but do i want to apply? I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!! look at it from my perspective. i honestly like biology but i don't wanna do medicine. why? god knows. all this confusion won't have started if it weren't for four people.

no:1 is my 10th botany teacher. god knows what she taught us. she had the really enviable and extraordinary ability of repeating whatever she says, only that it seemed to have different meanings each time.she would talk like she could mind read and that is really annoying when it comes from someone like her. a typical lesson would go like this (my thoughts are in italics):

"The pollen tube will pierce the embryo sac and the end will dissolve( which end- the pollen tube or the sac?)now the pollen tube has entered and the three antipodals will disintegrate and the -i know what you are thinking. don't you dare imagine anything(blink blink). so the sperm will fertilize the egg and the secondary nucleus formed will be fertilised by the sperm( what?! two fertilisations? for one sperm? or were there two of them? either way that's so not allowed- biologically or otherwise!!! the sperms are having a field day and yeah where did the secondary nucleus come from? hell-o?!) and now the synergids ( yeah what happened to them?) I know what you are thinking and don't you dare. always imagining things
( o boy here we go again) i know what you are all thinking and don't imagine anything. i know that your thoughts will be like that only. you are young and you don't know anything so don't think anything.(at this point,she notices that we are staring at her as though she is a hopeless case) i know what you are thinking and you have no respect. no respect at all. i don't know what this generation is coming to. hopeless cases. i know what you are thinking......"

At this point the class falls asleep so till date no one knows if she really could mind read.when you have a teacher like that you begin to hate that subject.

person no:2 my zoo teach did nothing to help. she didn't know what she was saying either but at least she didn't pretend like she knew everything. all the people i know still haven't forgiven her for suspending a live cockroach at all our faces during a physiology class.

so i was damn sure that in 11th and 12th i will certainly not take bio. besides i saw what my parents were going through as doctors and i had no intention of joining them. some political big shot ass hole threatened to pour acid at mum's face if she didn't fake a dead certificate. so much for respect.

person no:3 is my dad. he wants me to become a doctor. so after bucket loads of wasted tears i was put in bio group in 11th against my wishes. so much for follow your dream crap. now during my public exam. he took a look at my bio book for the 1st time and said he'd made a mistake and that i was learning what he'd learnt in his 1st year and if he'd known that he'd have let me join comp group. whatever. a bit late in the day for that.

person no:4 is my mum. she wants me to become an engineer. she doesn't want to put me through the same thing that she's been through. good logic.

so here i am stuck. to tell the truth, in 10th i hated bio cos of the teachers. i only wanted to do engineering then cos i knew dad wanted me to become doc and i was determined not to do that simply because he'd put me in bio group against my wishes. but honestly, i love bio. it comes to me naturally. i would be lying if i said otherwise.

in short this is my dilemma: i like bio but i haven't got what it takes to be a good doc. i've lost too many people in my family and i know how much that hurts. i don't wanna become a doc and then watch a family lose their father or bro or a child. i'd never forgive myself if anything like that happened even if some case was beyond all possible human help. i simply don't have the required professional detachment. but i know in my heart that i will fit more perfectly as a doc than an engineer. i am also damn sure that i will go nuts within two days of cutting up cadavers. my nerves aren't fit for this kinda thing. i dunno what i want. but if you ask me anytime i'd go for engineering. i only need to know if my aversion to bio comes from my natural aversion to blood and all that gory stuff or simply because i hate dad taking my decisions for me and running my life and i am simply determined that this time i am not going to give him what he wants. do i think that owning up to liking bio will be like surrendering to dad? i really dunno.i don't wanna take up engineering just because it'll piss off dad and regret it for the rest of my life. i want to take up engineering because that's where i'll really fit and that's something i'll never regret.ever.

a good friend said, "whatever you do make sure you won't regret it later." good advice. only i don't know what i will regret later. but this time, i gonna make sure that three years from now, dad won't be meeting me at some medical college and say "i think i made a mistake."
this time i am gonna make sure that i'll be following my dream,not dad's because this is my future not dads. he had his chance and now, i wanna have mine.

P.S: please people ( for ken,kvy and msk esp) don't tell me that i'll become a doc. it is simply not funny.