Say What?!

Last Friday, there was this review in The Hindu by Sudish Kamath about a crappy film called “Inba”. The actor’s Shaam and the director’s Vendhan. The review trashed the film and(this is) how………….

All you baby-faced heroes with chocolate-boy looks learn from Shaam. Yes, you too Abbas. Here’s how to make the transition from lover boy to macho man.

First grow a beard. The metrosexual look will not take you beyond the metro. The beard helps in defining character; it instantly tells us the basics. One, he’s poor. He’s got no money to shave. Two; he’s hiding a sad story behind the beard. Also keeping a beard may fool at least a small percent of Vijaya T. Rajendherr fans into walking into the hall out of mistaken identity.

Second. Talk less, smile even less. Let your hands do all the talking. Let’s say someone asks the time. If you tell him the time, you become the extra and he becomes the hero. So don’t reply. Give him one across the face.

Third. In an action film, you don’t woo the girl. The girl should woo you. Never ever smile at her. This adds to the mystery to the two already established points of character-development. Even if she does not like you in the beginning, once she sees you beat up guys, she’ll get scared and learn how to behave. Initially, she may hire you to protect her and later realize that it’s cheaper to get your lifetime services.

Fourth. It is important, absolutely necessary to throw in a Superstar tribute. Make sure that there are at least ten rows of extras dancing behind you. This usually gives dance masters enough scope to choreograph according to your limitations. Besides, the dance steps in the movies these days are so ridiculous that unless you have a hundred of them doing it at the same time, you can’t say: “Come on. See, everyone’s doing it. It’s cool.”

Fifth. The flashback. Throw in a 15 to 20 minute sequence where you are a 12^th standard student. If you were Little Superstar or Chiyaan Vikram, you could’ve played the role yourself, knocking off some kilos. But since, you are not yet blessed with that kind of versatility; you get some promising young actor to essay your past. This sequence should involve a tragedy.

Sixth. The quintessential, most definitive trait of being a mass hero is the dandanaka, the traditional dead body dance. If you are an import from another city, here’s how you get hold of the basics. A. Start with the face. Stick your tongue out and bite it. B. Pretend you are flying a kite and pulling the thread. C. Wear a lungi or at least tie-up the two ends of the shirt instead of buttoning it and do pelvic thrusts at 40 per minute.

So that’s how Shaam turned into the mass hero Inba with director Vendhan’s insightful inputs. By all means, go for “Inba”. It’s the most inspiring piece of Tamil cinema. If this chap can make a movie, so can you.